B.L.U.E

I'm not going to lie to you... I feel like shit today! Yep, one of those days.
I've done everything I am supposed to do to feel good.... ran around the tan (further than usual), did housework, had a glass of wine, hat a long hot shower but i still feel really flat. Why?
Well I feel pretty lonely! I have been single for 6 years and I'm only 25! I just want someone to talk to about my day and have dinner with and all the little things like that, yeah, I have my awesome housemate, but that's just not the same! Being single is particularly tough when all those closest to you are happily coupled up. Parents, sisters, best friends, people at work....
So let me ask this? Why am I single? I am funny, driven, compassionate, kind.... oh yeah, I'm overweight! You know I see plenty of overweight people in happy relationships and this has made me come to the realisation that people will only value you as much as you value yourself. You give off energies, seriously, that people pick up on, our own kind of pheromone! I walk around giving out a pheromone that I am not good enough for anyone and the majority of this energy output I give off comes from being so dissatisfied by my body. But what worries me is, what happens if I lose the weight and I still feel like this? Weight is a massive problem for my self confidence but there are other things I dont like about myself.... what if i get to my goal weight and I still give off this negative energy? what if i end up alone? It is a strong possibility, it happens to plenty of people and to be quite honest, it is my worst nightmare.
So let me be honest with you, again, I have very high standards! I will NEVER settle, i just cant do it. I want the heart beating in my throat, constant butterflies, totally swept of my feet kind of love, I want 'The Notebook' love. Does this exist? I have been in love before and it was amazing! Honestly, I thought I had met my soulmate, but I was so young that sometimes I question if it was real, it ended so badly and the person I was so in love with is gone. He is not the same person. So what if it wasnt love and what if what i am looking for isnt actually reality? Will i be lonely forever?
Then I look at the way my dad loves my mum and I realise that what I want does exist. I want someone to love me when I am 60 the way my dad loves my mum.
God, i sound so dramatic! I am only 25 and I think I am going to be alone forever. What i need to focus on is all the positive things I am doing in my life at the moment and have faith in the fact that being positive and taking all these positive steps IS going to change my life the way I am hoping and planning it will....
It's just one day and I know I will snap out of it!!
At the end of the day, EVERYONE has bad days, everyone has days when they want to lie in bed and have a little teary, everyone feels like this at some point in their life.
AND in actual fact, I am far from being alone. I have the most beautifully amazing 2 sisters who are my best friends, I have parent second to none who would do anything for me, who I can talk to about anything, I have a housemate who makes our apartment my home and I have 2 cats who love me unconditionally, So HA-DE-HA-HA to myself!

Thank you for letting me vent like this, cos I tell you what, I feel much better now. x